Talk to my hands Cancer
A small journey of Tanya with Cancer!
It was all started in November. I was doing a job in a Cambridge school along with my university life, I was so happy because to become an independent was always my first priority. It was a tough life when you came from the school after teaching and you had to go directly for the university in such a huge traffic of Karachi. I remember those days when I used to wait for the bus for hours. My parents always called me to take another bus or go from rickshaw for my convenience but I always choose to go by my routine bus. I was so frank with the passengers sitting or standing next to me. Every passenger almost know me there because of kindness, social work and as a motivational speaker, Allhamdullilah. I missed them. However, I left Karachi in the start of January because it was diagnosed that I am suffering from Hogkin’s Cancer Lymphoma Stage 4, Bone Marrow. To be a patient of stage 4 was not easy to digest. Somewhere it was the last stage. Dr advised me that he can cure it 50% not the 100%. Okay, when he told me, it was still okay for me. I didn’t take it serious. I was so chill and my chillness was started when I was in intermediate. I don’t take tensions, failures so seriously and I believe in myself Ubay sb thk hojaega agar mai strong hun aur agar Allah sath hain, agar duaen sath hain. I still talk to myself, Tania sb kuch krna bs kisi ka dil nh dukhana neyatun kay sath. I tried hard and if I did unintentionally ‘ I’m sorry people’ I never intended to- Trust me. Bs phr kya tha Chemotherapy start hui dard kay silsilay cheekhou’n mai badly. Kbhi Quran uthatay huye, Kbhi apny Gunah yad krty huye, Kbhi us insan ko yad krty huye jiska janay an-janay mai dil dhukaya ho, Kbhi anjaan logun ko calls krty huye, Unsy baten krty huye I never think for a while iska asar mjhpar ya family par kya hoga because mai janti thi galat tb hota hai jb galat kia jae. Jb Allah apky sath hun nobody can do anything. I talked to strangers in hospital, outside of the hospital to know their pain, to reduce my pain. I know their stories. Unhain bhi dard hota hai, they are struggling too. I love to know them, to be with them is still my Sukoon. Logun ko lgta hai bht farig insan hun mai unhain islye lgta hai kyun kay zindagi mai unhain kisi nay waqt dia he nh. Iss Cancer kay safar mai bht log mly mjhy kisi qareebi nay hath chora, kisi anjaan nay pakra. Bht logun nay judge kia aur bht sy bht kuch seekha bhi. Jo judge krty thaay unka kehna tha I don’t seem to them a cancer last stage patient just because I always smile and make them laugh. I motivate them for their temporary pains, to fight with their inner fights. I was so energetic from the start not from health but from morals- My morals are high – Higher for the humanity because I’m born to serve. Cancer ki iss journey mai bht logun nay duaen ki meray lye dil sy, kisi nay Kaaba mai, tau kisi nay Madina mai, aur kisi nay sajdun mai. Wesay tau I was never hopeless and I still I’m not aur agar 1% bhi kamzor par jati tau mjhy yakeen tha apnun ki duaon mai, un geyrun ki duaon mai jin kay lye kbhi kuch nh kia mainay par unhun nay din rat duaen ki meray liye. Meray wo dost jinhain lgta tha I don’t talk to them seedhy munh sy ‘ Munh mera bchpan sy aesa he hai’ I treated and still treating everyone equally except meray best friends kay. Tum sb nay bhi bht duaen ki meray lye, kbhi message kr kay puch lia krty thay ( Thank you) Thank you un duaon k lye jo tum logun nay ki. Chemotherapy khtm hui last 16 June 2017. Chemotherapy ki baad we need some test to make sure that Cancer cells are still there or not either active or non-active. I went for the CT Scan test on 4rth day of Eid. My Eid was worst than ever because of fear – fear of failure – fail in results of Cancer. However my CT Scan result came soon, meray hathun mai thii report. Reports kholnay sy phly andar sy feelings arhi theen kuch galat hai. I opened it as soon as possible – Shocked. Sb khatam , obviously I’m not a Doctor. According to me cancer was still there when I read the reports – crying hard sbkay saamnay hospital mai he. Itnay aansu bahae jesy us class ka result aya ho jis mai I failed twice. Wo saal yad agae, wo class yad agae kyun kay mai shurun sy position holder thii bs kuch galtiyun ki waja sy us class mai fail hogai aur phr zindagi bdal gai. CT scan reports nay bhi kuch aesa he kia tha- Mjhy bdal dia. Itna toor dia kay jurna mushkil tha. Wo Tania jo kbhi haar nh maanti- Maan gai Haar. Exact usi din kuch he lamhun baad Bone Marrow Exam tha mera kyun kay it is second major test and from this test we can know about the stage of our disease, which disease it is and where it is in our body parts. Three ladies were there in room. They were continously talking to each other while biopsy. I was wondering Aurtun kay baray mai sahi kaha jata ‘ Bari batuni hoti hain, Allah maaf kray female Dr’s sy’ I was in pain and were shouting mjhy anesthesia nh do mjhy kuch horha hai, my heart stopped, it was actually not breathing or rukny he wala tha bs. Brain was not working. Still I was telling them stop the process because in my last bone Marrow exam I had not experienced it. My Karachi Dr’s staff of Bone Marrow was so so so frank. It is a medical treatment jb kisi ko dard ho bht tau usay hug kro, touch kro, baten kro so from that pain ka pta na chalay. Oh people! My pain was so high in that room. It was so so so horrible kay shyd mai dobara jana nh chahungi. During biopsy I was praying , Please Allah save me- these women are so horrible and I want to LIVE. I really want to live. I want to achieve my goals, my goals to become one of the good writer, social worker and a lawyer. Please Allah save me, my family is nothing meray begair mai unki wicket hun. Inn churailun sy bcha lo mjhy. Finally process khtm I walked out from the room and phr sy crying hard and requesting to my father for not coming again here. Not even to take my reports. Din guzray, raaaten guzren, chuttiyan theen meri, I went to so many places because mjhy pta tha kay ub Chemotherapy wapas hogi with high dose. Hathun ko dkhti thi mai apny aur family sy khti thi no more Chemotherapy yar Nurses ko nerves ( Veins ) nh mlengi. Meray hath jawab dy gye hain, ub bs yar. Phr next day mainay socha let my strength gather again and get ready for the Chemotherapy. Kbhi tau khatam hoga cancer- Swal yeh hai akhir kb tak? Yeh zada strong hai ya meri Will power? Yeh mjhy nh hara skta. Kher Bone Marrow k results sy kuch 3 din phly bray mazay kiye yeh soch kay Yar wapas wahi life, wahi pain, wahi end mai 3 din ki chuttiyan from pain. Choro walk krro lambi, Abu kay kuch kaam krlo aur mazay kro. Reports agaen 15 July 2017 in afternoon. Hath mai result- Oh My GOD. Yeh result will change my life again. I started to read the reports. Ba-zahir tau sb thk lga mjhy. I was smiling, was laughing, even dancing 😀 Family was asking with a big smile btao na kya hua hai? I said 5th class ka result aya hai. Yeh wo class thee jis mai mjhy tez fever tha and I had to wait for my first position in hospital. Abu hospital atay thay aur mai puchti thee Unsy result agaya? Aur aesa he hua I got first position with a high score in all over the school. Bone Marrow ki report ly k we went to hospital ASAP and Dr said Mubarak ho reports bht achi aen hain. No more chemotherapy, no more medicines. Shurun krlo apna law. I said Seriously? Like seriously? Meri behn aur mainay itni zoor ki taali maari room mai kay Dr said aram sy aur bht zoor ka hsay hum. We left the hospital. Ghar mai they were reciting kuch verses. The moment I entered everyone hugged aik sath aur dance shurun krdia reports dkhy begair. My Abu was saying itny din sy mai khana tau khata tha but aesy he – bs aesy he. Aj dil krrha hai khana khanay ko. Aj SUKOON hai. Tau yeh thi meri kahani. Umeed nh haarna na apny haalatun sy, na khud sy, na maauishray sy. Apni beytiyun ko parhao, aagy barhao. Soch ko bdlo. Kyun kay soch bdlegi tbhi tau bdly ga ghr phr society phr shehar phr Pakistan! #HelpHumanity #DonateforCancer #BorntoServe #TrytobeKind #Fightforyourrights #MotivatePeople Thank you so much everyone meray lye itni duaen ki aur apki duaon ki bado’lat mai thk hun. Bht achi hun. Allah tau hain he hain par credit goes to you and my family. Hey best friends? I’m coming to Karachi soon :p